I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
