So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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