Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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