I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
