I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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