im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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