So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
