ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
