someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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