I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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