we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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