I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
