My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
