if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
