when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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