so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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