i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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