why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
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Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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