I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
