oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sext me about skeletons
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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