she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
