I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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