I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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