I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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