its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
