so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
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This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts