I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"