I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
