I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
