Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
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I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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