i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
