oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
