Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
