He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
