I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
