the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
