I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
