she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
