Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
