He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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