I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
