There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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