It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
