I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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