so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
