I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
how drunk are you?
Several
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