Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Randomize
