Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
