I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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