I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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