I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
