Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
