i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
