Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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