I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize