I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
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Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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