Taylor Swift is so right about you.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
