i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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