Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Fuck appropriateness.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
