somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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